This was never meant to be a diary site, but here we are.
Maybe one day I’ll dictate these in a video or something. But right now, I wouldn’t do myself justice, especially going off the cuff. So instead, I’m sitting in my old bedroom at home, pondering and typing stuff out again.
I came back from Sydney about four weeks ago for family reasons. Before that, I’d been hanging on, chasing decent work. A few opportunities almost landed, but never quite did. Most of what came up was labouring. Nothing wrong with it. Before, maybe me and my turned up nose would have passed on it. Not that I’m in any way soft (insecure!), but now I’d nearly rather be doing little things for myself instead. Old man alert though, my back isn’t great for a full day bending. I literally wouldn’t be able.
A day or two before I got the news from home, I already had the thought I’d be back again soon. But the grass is always greener where you’re not standing. That’s something you’re constantly thinking about when you’re abroad, and I’ve noticed that now being back here the second time. Although when coming back this time, I felt like I had only just barely seen another mountain of life I’d be undertaking. Yet I can comprehend it now, but I can no longer feel it or truly see it. I put it down to the comfort of home and the lack of isolation combined with independence. I guess that’s the difference between understanding and experience.
I was tired of applying for jobs that didn’t feel like progress. There was also a tension in Australia I couldn’t shake. The practical reality was that building anything meaningful there would take years, not months. While here, I’m fortunate I already have things to do. The uncertainty of committing to a place before I was sure I wanted to build a life there was probably the real source of it. But I know long term I must at least acknowledge that I should rely on and develop my internal influence instead of external. Noting the obvious, your environment is important, but it is inconsistent.
Everyone’s life is vivid and complicated in its own way. What we worry about are things in retrospect based on what we’ve individually seen and lived through. Apologies for the abrupt change. It’s like my left foot right foot style, I get distracted and the train of thought jumps. In fact, I’m no longer in my bedroom. I’ve just taken off in the car and I’m sitting here watching the streets of Maynooth at 11pm.
I know myself well enough to admit I’m influenced by outside noise sometimes. But I also hope there will come a point when I’m completely settled in my own direction and far less concerned about how it looks from the outside. Common enough wisdom, and I’m critical of myself for even saying it.
This morning, I passed up a flight back to Australia that I had already paid for. It probably wasn’t necessary, but there were a few reasons. One being I don’t want to start my second visa without doing a bit more research into visas. Also, I have a lot of the tillage to sow. In retrospect, to what I have going on, it’s a little more important. That’s another thing I’m learning. Maybe even if things would operate a certain way better in the future, just don’t cut corners and develop that structure first. The decision to go could still have gone the other direction this morning, but I won’t regret it as long as I make the most of where I am now. I bought machinery this week and I may as well use it now.
In one sense, the machinery gives freedom and independence when there’s practical work to be done. In another, it removes a bit of adventure. I don’t feel any urgent need for spare cash right now. No mortgage plans, no pressure to draw a salary, no real appetite for the “easy money” life that floods social media. If anything, I think it’s cute. Most of it feels completely disconnected from reality. And subjectively, maybe you think I’m delusional here.
What I do believe in is doing. It sounds almost too simple, but movement matters. Doing something, even imperfectly, stops stagnation. It keeps your head straight. “Balance” is another one of those words people justify their decisions with, but it never quite sits right with me. I’d love it, of course, but if you’re aligned with how you’re feeling, you’ll naturally feed each part of your life adequately. That’s balance to me. The word itself naturally sounds like a 50 50 split. I’d be more in favour of simply saying having more fun.
Over the past fourteen months, I haven’t worked what most people would call a proper job. I’ve driven tractors, taken odd bits of work, and kept my own business ticking along. I’m earning, but not the way I could be. That part frustrates me sometimes.
Still, the goal is clear. In three years, I’d love to be fully self employed in something that is within my control. The exact path isn’t fixed yet, but the direction is.
I respect people who put themselves out there. I’m getting better. This is probably an issue with me, but people posting the exact time they wake up or go for a cycle. We can see it’s dark in the video, lad. The clock isn’t the point. It just feels not necessary. Or maybe I need to fix my ten alarms.
Since coming home, I fell out of my usual routines for a while. Training stopped, but I’ll get back at it. Fitness is kind of new for me in the last eight months, but I like it as it’s a steady thing I can return to no matter what and get a sense of linear progress.
Part of why I’m starting to do this is that I don’t want to entirely keep myself to myself, the way the masculine persona would suggest I should. But it should be obvious, and it wasn’t always to me, that nothing appears out of thin air. You have to put something into the world first, even if it’s small. What you find is that something does come back. If you think there might be work in an area, put an ad up and see if anyone calls. Even if you have no intention of taking the job right away, you’ll at least learn if the demand exists. It’s the same with anything else. Thinking about asking someone out? Just ask. At least then you know.
So for now I’m here, with no concrete plans beyond the next few weeks in front of me. And strangely enough, that feels alright. I can’t wait to blare the music while driving home. It never fails to lift me up, although one day it only did just before I made it into Galway before heading back. I don’t know what’s ahead, but there’s no time for boring bullshit at the moment.
Whatever direction things move in next, I know one thing for certain.
I’ll try keep moving with positive progression.
